I just want to do the things
That please the Father’s heart~ 💙
2014. A new year. The beginning of my weekly musical journal. I want to make a difference. I want to make a change. I want to be a Godpleaser.
Retrospective Note: Get ready for a story. This song has a lot behind it. Click/tap this collapsible text box to read on.
TL;DR: This song represents a time where I gave up on all of my dreams thinking I was trying to please God, but in reality, I was trying to please a verbally abusive father who was incapable of being pleased. Don't give up on your dreams for anyone. Live your life. Thrive.
Around this time, I gave up on my dreams and passions in order to please a father who just wasn’t capable of being pleased. I was really interested in becoming a voice actor at the time (that was my career interest). He didn’t approve of that though, especially because my interest in voice acting stemmed from Japanese anime and Japanese culture, which of course, was a big no-no in my conservative Christian household. For the longest time, I put up with verbal abuse while trying to achieve my goals, but by the time I graduated in 2012, it was really starting to take a toll on me. By the end of 2013, frustrated and exhausted by the lack of support I was experiencing at home, I gave it all up. I deleted my platforms and removed everything I had worked on up to that point, and began to focus on the church, all to make my Dad happy.
At the beginning of 2014, the first week of January, I decided to start this little journal: my Songs of the Week. And this was the first song I picked, “Godpleaser” by Petra, and I shared that song genuinely feeling like I had made the right choice by giving up everything and choosing to just focus on the church, thinking that it was gonna make me a better person, that it was gonna bring satisfaction to my Dad or even to my deity; my God, and looking at it now, I realize just how much I was trying to cope with the fact that I had just given up on everything in order to appease a verbally abusive father. It didn’t matter that the friends I had made and the work that I was doing had brought me joy. He didn’t like it, and after years of being berated, I gave it up. I got tired. I was exhausted. I didn’t know what I wanted to do anymore, but the church seemed like a good way to go. It brought me comfort, I was making new friends, and for the first time, my Dad seemed to be approving of this new direction.
Ultimately, I was manipulated into doing something I didn’t want to do, and I missed out on so much trying to please someone, who just wasn’t capable of being pleased. The verbal abuse kept going, and I continued to be miserable, trying to reach a higher light that of course, I would never be able to achieve. Here’s the thing, if you have to leave behind your talents and your gifts in order to please a deity, let alone a person, that’s an abusive situation, and I was in one for a very long time. If there is a grand creator out there, I would hope that creator is one who finds joy in its creation thriving. Similarly, a parent should be filled with joy to see their child thriving at something that they’re passionate about, even if they don’t understand it. If anything, that’s an opportunity to learn from that child, and to be enlightened by what they have discovered.
If you’re in a similar position as I was, you deserve better. I think there’s great fulfillment to be had when you’re breaking free and doing what you’ve always wanted to do, and I hope that if you’re in a similar situation, that you don’t give up on yourself, and find a way to make your dreams happen. Don’t do it for man. Don’t do it for a deity. Do it for yourself. And if you can’t do it alone, lean on the people who truly love and support you. I may not be doing what I originally set myself out to do, but in my new found freedom, I discovered something I always wanted to do, but was too scared to do it for such a long time. Music has been my latest pursuit, and it really does feel like I’m finally making up for lost time. It feels like a second chance. And even with my new pursuit of music, I’ve found myself circling back to the passion I used to have for acting, and now I feel like I’m thriving in ways I wish I could have all those years ago. I’m doing all this not just for myself now, but doing it for my younger self, who didn’t get a chance to thrive. I’ve since learned to stop blaming myself for quitting all those years ago. I was in an abusive situation for a good chunk of my young life, and now that I’m TRULY living in peace, my inner child, now can too. And I hope that you can find that for yourself as well.
Wake me up before you go-go
Take me dancing tonight~ 💙
Got a Target gift card for my 20th birthday today! Picked up the special edition of Wham’s “The Final”, which includes a DVD of all their music videos. Pretty damn sweet!
Retrospective Note: It’s the week of my birthday, January 6th to be exact, and in 2014, I’m finally 20. How do I ring it in? With Wham’s greatest hits of course! This was actually their final album, simply titled, “The Final”. It compiled their biggest hits, as well as included some new tracks to wrap it all up. What’s cool about this particular release, is the included DVD that compiles their music videos! It’s a great set, and was a great birthday gift to myself.
But there's more to this life than living and dying
More than just trying to make it through the day~ 💙
Retrospective Note: This one was my morning alarm for a very long time. I’d start my days waking up to the sound of that warm pad just slowly swelling into a gorgeous intro filled with Steven’s lovely guitar playing. There’s a reason I woke up to this song, as it reminded me daily that there really is much more to living than life and death. It reaches out to those caught in monotony, just going through the motions day in and day out, and urges them to yearn for something more. I felt that in my 20s. After leaving behind those things I was passionate about, I didn’t really have anything to strive for anymore other than potentially starting a career in the church, but is that really what I wanted to do? What or who was I really doing it for? And why? I wanted to create things, but there was always that voice telling me that it was a waste of time, and that I needed to focus on the church. This song gave me comfort, but it didn’t really start challenging me until all the things I was forcing myself to do, began to fall apart around the later part of the decade. I felt so lost in my 20s, and it would be awhile before I realized I had to stop trying to do things for other people. I had to allow myself a chance to actually thrive, and stop listening to the lies that had been planted in my head telling me I was “wasting my time” for trying to achieve what “I” wanted to do. The real waste of time was trying to fit myself into a hole that wasn’t “me” shaped. I eventually figured it out, and it was thanks to songs like this one, for helping me see that there really is “More to this Life”.
I wore a black leather jacket way back in high school
And man, lookin back at these pictures of us, we were so cool~ 💙
Retrospective Note: This is a precious song off of his album “Fuse” that was still quite fresh at the time. Keith Urban has a knack for telling great stories, which to me, is what country music is all about. In this case, it’s a simple love story about two young kids in love, with the Black Leather Jacket used as a sweet and clever tool to take you back to a time gone by. Give it a listen, for there's a lovely and surprising twist in the end that will absolutely make you smile.
Worthy is the Lamb who was slain
Worthy is the King who conquered the grave~ 💙
Retrospective Note: This was still quite a new worship song at the time, and we sang this song nearly every Sunday that year. I loved this song, and it was one I was always excited to sing during worship. I’ve been disconnected from that world for some time now, but sometimes I’ll think about this song, and remember what it was it like to believe in something that seemed so flawless.