Around this time, I gave up on my dreams and passions in order to please a father who just wasn’t capable of being pleased. I was really interested in becoming a voice actor at the time (that was my career interest). He didn’t approve of that though, especially because my interest in voice acting stemmed from Japanese anime and Japanese culture, which of course, was a big no-no in my conservative Christian household. For the longest time, I put up with verbal abuse while trying to achieve my goals, but by the time I graduated in 2012, it was really starting to take a toll on me. By the end of 2013, frustrated and exhausted by the lack of support I was experiencing at home, I gave it all up. I deleted my platforms and removed everything I had worked on up to that point, and began to focus on the church, all to make my Dad happy.

At the beginning of 2014, the first week of January, I decided to start this little journal: my Songs of the Week. And this was the first song I picked, “Godpleaser” by Petra, and I shared that song genuinely feeling like I had made the right choice by giving up everything and choosing to just focus on the church, thinking that it was gonna make me a better person, that it was gonna bring satisfaction to my Dad or even to my deity; my God, and looking at it now, I realize just how much I was trying to cope with the fact that I had just given up on everything in order to appease a verbally abusive father. It didn’t matter that the friends I had made and the work that I was doing had brought me joy. He didn’t like it, and after years of being berated, I gave it up. I got tired. I was exhausted. I didn’t know what I wanted to do anymore, but the church seemed like a good way to go. It brought me comfort, I was making new friends, and for the first time, my Dad seemed to be approving of this new direction.

Ultimately, I was manipulated into doing something I didn’t want to do, and I missed out on so much trying to please someone, who just wasn’t capable of being pleased. The verbal abuse kept going, and I continued to be miserable, trying to reach a higher light that of course, I would never be able to achieve. Here’s the thing, if you have to leave behind your talents and your gifts in order to please a deity, let alone a person, that’s an abusive situation, and I was in one for a very long time. If there is a grand creator out there, I would hope that creator is one who finds joy in its creation thriving. Similarly, a parent should be filled with joy to see their child thriving at something that they’re passionate about, even if they don’t understand it. If anything, that’s an opportunity to learn from that child, and to be enlightened by what they have discovered.

If you’re in a similar position as I was, you deserve better. I think there’s great fulfillment to be had when you’re breaking free and doing what you’ve always wanted to do, and I hope that if you’re in a similar situation, that you don’t give up on yourself, and find a way to make your dreams happen. Don’t do it for man. Don’t do it for a deity. Do it for yourself. And if you can’t do it alone, lean on the people who truly love and support you. I may not be doing what I originally set myself out to do, but in my new found freedom, I discovered something I always wanted to do, but was too scared to do it for such a long time. Music has been my latest pursuit, and it really does feel like I’m finally making up for lost time. It feels like a second chance. And even with my new pursuit of music, I’ve found myself circling back to the passion I used to have for acting, and now I feel like I’m thriving in ways I wish I could have all those years ago. I’m doing all this not just for myself now, but doing it for my younger self, who didn’t get a chance to thrive. I’ve since learned to stop blaming myself for quitting all those years ago. I was in an abusive situation for a good chunk of my young life, and now that I’m TRULY living in peace, my inner child, now can too. And I hope that you can find that for yourself as well.